so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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