Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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