I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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