Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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