is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sober January is a disaster.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
