So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
