when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
