when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
