i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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