just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
