I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
