conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
