Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have already put on my inside pants.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
