People with herpes should wear stickers.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
