Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
