Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
