just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
