I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize