They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
