I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize