did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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