I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
