Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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