Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
