My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
