just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
