I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
