Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize