Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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