This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
