so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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