my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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