I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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