i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
