I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
