A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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