I could have mohawked her pubes.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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