No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
