I just pynch a tree in the face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
