oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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