Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
