He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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