There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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