I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the liver wants what the liver wants
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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