I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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