Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
