According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
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