Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
