Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
