the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize