it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
