how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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