Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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