I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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