my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
