I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
