like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
