i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
