Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
