Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
