I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
