it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
